A letter to my childless wife on Mother’s Day


My dear Kayla,

Today must be a difficult day to endure the hardship of not being a mother yet.  Your desire to bring children into this world with a loving father and mother who are married and committed is becoming more and more rare. So why does a loving God withhold beautiful children into our family when unwanted teenage pregnancies are all too common and abortions are a daily occurrence. Frustration is an understatement.
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You’ve been crushed by death of loved ones your entire adult life, but why are we unable to join in God’s plan by creating life? I wish I had the answer.
 
Some may not know how infertility has tormented you, because of your positivity and constant positive attitude. 
 
I’m the only one to see your midnight tears. I’m the only one to know how deeply this crushes you. But I have faith. I don’t understand why this is our trial but this isn’t our destiny.I’m not only writing this for you but for those in similar situations and for those who may not be sensitive to your internal struggle.
 
For 3 years we have been asked why we don’t have children.  For 3 years we’ve been told we’re young and our faithful desires have been put on the back burner by being told to enjoy not having kids while we have the chance. It gets worse, they say. We’ve even had family and friends pour lemon juice on the wound by teasing and mocking our struggle to get pregnant.

Only 3 years? C’mon! Some people have waited 7-10 years or will never have children.  What about Abraham and Sarah? It doesn’t matter.  When a married couple have decided righteously to have children and that blessing isn’t granted it’s more painful than broken bones or torn ligaments.

Out of this quicksand of infertility will come the hand of the Savior who will lift us out of despair and loneliness.

I have complete confidence you will be an extraordinary mother as you’ve been an loving, involved aunt. You’re always the first to sit the kiddos down and read a night time story to them individually.  You’re always the first to stretch you hands out and smile so they’re run to you.  You’re always the first to volunteer to change a diaper because that’s what you long to do everyday.

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I wish you could see yourself as others see you.

One day this will be a troubled memory that we’ll look back on as a fire that has molded and shaped us into the parents that we’ll become.

I love you no matter our current circumstance.

Your loving husband and a future father, Matt

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12 thoughts on “A letter to my childless wife on Mother’s Day

  1. Excellent blog.
    Having struggled for nearly 15 years ourselves, mothers day is a hard day for many.
    The love of children, whether family friends or primary children, doesn’t diminish your desire for your own children.

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  2. What a beautiful letter. As someone who has struggled down this path for 11+ years now, my husband and I know the heartache and midnight tears all too well. Best wishes to you and your wife 🙂

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  3. heavenly father will answer all of our prayers. and we shall carry our bundle of joy. we may not have children now, but we are still mothers.

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  4. Although I have 2 kids of my own, I am still sensitive to this issue. I have close friends and close relatives that have not had kids. And, due to PCOS, my daughter might not be able to have children. It is heart wrenching.
    If you feel up to it in the future, please give others advice on what we can do or say to childless mothers and/or couples. My heart aches for you and others, but I’m not sure how to comfort you.
    Thank you for your wonderful inspirations.

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    • I am a husband of 14 years and a dad of 6, who still has never had biological children, so I know the plight of the childless, the wife who can’t go to relief society and the husband who struggles with how to support her. It is easier to answer with principles In responding to people like us than give specifics. We never liked when people replied with platitudes like God is mysterious, God will find a way, or pointless examples of how friends of yours were in my position and God miraculously got them pregnant after Austin fertility treatments or signing up for adoption services. I never needed anyone to make me feel better by trying to give me false hope, or refocus me on other blessings in my life. In fact unless someone asks for your input on their infertility, why would anyone offer it spontaneously? Often that action only serves a selfish need to fix others’ distress in an effort to reduce our own distress over their circumstances.

      The best reaction I can think of is empathy and validation, “I’m sorry you have to go thru this, I can see how that would be so hard, is their anything I can do? ” it shows then you are trying to meet them in their distress, are saying what they are feeling out loud, and allows them to dictate how you can help. See how you are returning to them their agency by simply being present with them in their experience? People often over think things and try to do to much for people and in doing so rob them of power.

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  5. in life we are given trials & tribulations we just don’t understand, but always remember we are not alone, we have a Loving Heavenly Father who knows the desires of our hearts and ALWAYS answers our prayers. May u be blessed with the chiocest spirits of our Heavenly Father at His chosen time.

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  6. I just turned 59 and never had a child. I had painful and expensive tests but they didn’t find anything wrong with me and then around age 49 the hot flashes began. I hung upside down after every effort but right on schedule I had a period. My line is going to die with me. Don’t ask me about siblings because that’s not my line. Adoption won’t continue my line either. I concluded that I just wasn’t good enough in God’s eyes to give birth. Now I have no family–all my relatives are dead.

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  7. Kayla & Matt, I enjoy this blog! Thank you! I highly recommend a very interesting book, ‘Biblical Lionesses…’ by Diana Webb, an LDS Hebrew researcher and scholar. I had not realized that 3 of the 4 leading matriarchs of the tribe of Israel, not just Sarah, dealt with terrible, wrenching infertility trials. I gained a richer historical perspective and more peace on this very hard problem from reading this book and learning a lot more about how Rebecca, Rachel and Sarah each chose to deal with it. The ancient Jewish commentaries and previously unread (by me–Apocryphal accounts, etc.) histories really helped me. I strongly recommend it to you. It’s available on Amazon.com. May you both be blessed with peace, comfort, strength, eternal perspective, health, and children–when they are meant to come, because they surely will!

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  8. I always enjoy talks that are given on Mother’s Day which honor ALL women and not just the biological mothers. Sometimes it’s hard for us to do things in “God’s Due Time” – waiting to be married, waiting to have children, trying to keep the covenants of the church and being attracted to the same sex or someone not worthy to take us to the temple. You hang in there. You sound like you have such a strong spirit

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